acid rain

Time to pour out my soul. A moment of complete honesty.

The last two days and the beginning of today have been... shall we say, rough?

Saturday started the weekend off with a bang. The parentals started yelling and screaming and swearing and throwing things at each other at the dinner table. Who even remembers what over? If dad gets upset even in the slightest he explodes! It scares me. No, it really does. He is horribly hateful (or maybe just honest?), loud (No one can yell/scream like him. Brings me to tears like **snaps** that), and violent. Throws things, knocks things over, and forces Li and I to sit and listen to it all. If we try to leave, he directs his rage at us. After a few hours, I almost had to call the police... sevreral times. So, at any rate, I did finally sneak out. **patter patter patter** up the stairs to my room. Am absolutely in tears. Times like that bring me to the point I'm almost ready to "end it all." So, I was sitting on my bed, shaking, crying and considering leaving. Just... getting in the car and leaving. The problem with this logic is that when I return (which I would have to at some point or another) I would be hit very hard. Repeatedly. Not worth it, I don't think. Wanted to call someone. No one to call. Wanted to be held. There is no one in the world. Things eventually "calmed down" over the course of the evening. I escaped to the internet, that amazing world completely away from reality.

There was no going to church on Sunday due to snow. Curses. No escape. It was an... awkward day to say the least. Dad and mom were like 2 positive (or negative) ends of a magnent. Every time one of them would say or suggest something, the other would snap/blow up at them. They would discuss... try to convince... raise their voices... scream... at one another. Li and I pretty much just... stayed out of the way. If they don't see you , they probably can't yell at you, right? Worked for the most part, but had to listen to them yell at each other allllllll day. You can quite literally hear them from our neighbors house. God, people can be so hateful and cruel and cut one another down when they are angry. So yeah. That lasted all day. Again, many tears.

This morning I thought things would be OK. Here's wishin'. Dad tried to make the 3 of us (mum, Li and I) have a devotion. We were going to. Mom had the book open and everything, but dad was cleaning up the den, and so she offered for us to help so he could get on to work. Makes sense, no? Absoltuely not! He starts screming at all of us, mom calls him controlling, he calls her hateful, she calls him out-of-the-family-loop, he calls her fat, etc. Such mature people. Of course, Lisa and I did not manage to escape. We quietly try to help clean up. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! SIT DOWN AND READ GOD'S WORD! RIGHT NOW!" **tears well up in eyes** **choke them back** If you've ever wondered why I resent devotions, maybe now you understand. So anyhow, I read a devotional thing to Lisa. Good book, actually. One of mine. Totally coffee-oriented. Yeah, it's great. Can't go wrong with coffee.


The thing is, well, first of all, when my parents get that angry, it scares me. Not that they are going to leave each other or anything, but that they are going to kill/put in the hospital one of us. But also, some very hateful, hurtful things are said when the family is angy. Things to me. Things that stick. Things that no apology can take away. "You're such a failure" "you're no good" "you're a disapointment" "you're ugly" "you're a waste of time" "you have bad taste in friends" "you can't do ANYTHING right" "you're fat" "you're hateful" "you are a horrible person" "no one would waste their time on someone like you" "anyone who's your "friend" just wants something from you. No one would actually be your friend" "If only they knew the REAL you" "Lousy excuse for a child" "lousy excuse for a christian" "lousy excuse for a person" "faiulre" "stupid" "wicked" And this is why I have such high self-esteem. But the thing is, if all those things are true... i just need to hear it... hear the truth from someone who is not screaming it at me. I can handle the truth, I just cannot handle the hatred.



**thinks** snowflake