no matter how hard i try...
ok, so here is another blog that is strictly me complaining.
I am so tried of these stupid learning disabilities! They are wrecking my life! No matter how hard I try, in some classes I'm just going to fail. It's a given. Do you know how hard I worked at German last semester? I put in a couple of hours every day practicing, did all my homework, practiced, showed up at every class unless i was deathly ill, practiced, talked to the teacher after class, practiced, got notes from a friend, practiced, studied said notes, practiced, got help from my dad (who speaks some German), practiced, and finally, practiced. I have NEVER worked so hard in a class. Y'know what my final grade was? C. Yeah, that's right. I gave it everything I had, and nearly failed. You have absolutely no idea how disheartening that is. You have no idea how much that makes me want to just give up. Then there are some classes, such as British Literature last semester, where I did NOTHING at all. I mean, i did the journal and took the tests, but I totally zoned out during class, didn't take notes, etc, and I got an A. WHY?!?! Why does it work that way? Why can't, at least in this aspect, I be like everyone else?
So... i'm really frustrated. And... yeah. It's one of those times I just really really wish I could be good enough. Good enough for someone, just once.
Y'know those points in life when you just feel like someone that no one would really want to have anything to do with? That even those who care about you most must be totally bored with you? That if you make a mistake, just one more mistake, you'll lose their love forever? Y'know that feeling that if you lose their love you'll die inside? Y'know that feeling that you're so afraid of making a mistake that you go through every day thinking "what did I screw up now?" Y'know how every morning when you look in the mirror you just want to scream "WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT'S WRONG? WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT IS SO UNDESIRABLE?! WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT I NEED TO FIX?!" and then cry. Yeah. That's pretty much been my day. And... and... I just want someone to hold me.
<3
posted by that girl @ 3:26 PM
1 Comments:
My dear Farrah, if I could hold you I would. Please don't beat yourself up! There are many people who would be in exactly the same fix with German. And you are completely right, the education system is screwed up in so many ways. Even though you got a C, I imagine you learned a lot from all your work. Grades are stupid and often they mean nothing.
And you are more than 'good enough,' in my opinion. I think you are amazing... No, I don't think so, I know so. I can't remember one time I've seen you screw up. You've probably made your share of mistakes, but so does everybody. And there is nothing you can do that will make you lose my love. When you look in your mirror, you should think, "If people think something's wrong with me; if people think I need to fix myself, then it is their problem." I know that it's hard to love people even when they treat you like scum... but if you do - and you CAN with God's help - you are a better person than they are.
I love you, Farrah. *HUGS*
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