Confused and in tears
I am so lost. I think that I don't believe in God... or am not a Christian at any rate. I mean, how can I be? I have so many questions left unanswered... so many flaws left open and unacknowledged. I have based everything I believe in on a religion founded on emotion and peer-pressure... and fear of course. Fear, of course, of going to Hell if you don't believe. There were really four things that pushed me over... or pulled me back... which ever way you choose to look at it.
1. The whole "Why did God let Lucifer into the Garden" question (see last post). The simple fact that God "wants a relationship with us" so badly that he "died to repair the relationship" but allowed it to be shattered blows my mind.
2. They say God is a loving God, right? Then why does he let bad things happen? Some say so that people will come to him. Ok. Why does he let bad things happen to his children?
3. I do not want to be like the other Christians I see around me. They are hypocrites and bigots. They are so convinced that they have it figured out and there is no gray area. That everything is 100% correct and if you disagree in the slightest you're a heathen who will BURN IN HELL! **MUAHAHAHAHA!** Lets "save" them!
4. God lied. When he said "Seek me and you will find me. Ask and it will be given to you" however it goes. HAH! I have seeked him with all my heart only to find myself flat on my face in the dirt (which does not feel good when it gets in your eyes under your contacts). I have asked and prayed and cried for him to reveal himself to me... and I hear... nothing. "Well, you just havn't listened!" Heck yes I have! I don't know what else to do!
So... if that is what Christianity is, I really don't want to have anything to do with it. But the problem is, now I'm lost and confused and sitting in said dirt crying for somewhere to go or someone to turn to. Kind of one of those times when everything seems to be falling apart at once. See, if I let anyone know how I feel, I shall have no friends left, and my parents would bombard me with scripture verses and counselours, etc. If I let Matt (boyfriend) know, he'd drop me like used socks. So, living a lie sounds a lot better than living alone. I guess. I don't know. Ahhhh! I wish I had someone to talk to who understands what I'm saying... understands what I'm going through.
posted by that girl @ 11:28 AM
2 Comments:
/Me hits self over head.
I really am sorry I didn't manage to, you know, talk about much of anything. Our dorm sort of became a singular unit and refused to seperate. I really do feel bad about it. I should be back to my normal IM schedule once I recover from the lack of sleep. Could call you, too, I suppose. Talking is always interesting.
/Really is sorry.
//But glad you liked the music, anyway.
dude... i TOTALLY understand. you can talk about any of that stuff and more to me... you can cuss at me, or whatever... i dont care. i will NEVER ever drop you, like used socks or anything else.
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