letter 13

Today was marvelous. Spending two and a half hours by the river with you. I love you so much. I wish that I could spend forever with you.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that you're leaving. There's the fact that I'm going to miss you, but also, I'm really, really afraid that you won't come back. You make it very clear that you hate it here, and that you hate the people, and that you can't wait to leave. So, what other conclusion am I supposed to come to?

I have tried very hard to keep these feelings to myself, but tonight I said something (I don't remember what) that revealed how I felt. You promised me that you weren't abandoning me and that you would come back to where ever I am. I want to believe that, but there's this nagging thought of "maybe he won't..." always at the back of my mind. Honestly, love, if you were abandoning me, I wouldn't blame you. Maybe that's what makes it so hard for me to believe. If I were you, I would leave me. I would go find some fabulous, exciting girl to run off to Europe with or some such. I wouldn't stay with someone like me. But... you picked me. Why? And more to the point, why do you stay with me? Why do you even love me?

You say that you aren't running away, but... I mean, I know that you aren't, but it really feels like it at times. I know that's a horrible thing to say. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm really hurting. It really hurts me that you're leaving. Oh, yeah. I knew that going into the relationship, and I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't make it any easier now. But love... You are worth it. You are so, so muchly worth it. I love you.

I love you so incredibly much.