I have no idea

An attempt to sort out my feelings and thoughts about Matt

It's not that I don't care about him. It's not even that I don't love him. It's not that I don't think he's amazing. It's not the distance. It's not that I've found someone else (I don't think). It is that I am scared and am starting to feel claustrophobic. He's way more serious than I am... maybe he's just much more mature, which is highly possible. But, the thing is, he's already talking about getting married and buying a house or at least renting, and wedding rings and... hold the phone... I'm not ready for that! I'm just... not. He's been raised with the idea of courtship so engraved into his head that I think its not healty. I mean, he's almost 17 and is already thinking "Considering this girl is my girlfriend, we are courting. The point of courtship is to get married. So... lets go!" Whoa whoa whoa! Not uh! I'm not courting anyone! I'm 17 and plan to date for a while before I get all "I do" on anyone.

So I have been advised to "just tell him how you feel and to back off a bit." Good thought, but no. I don't want him to just stop talking about it or "back off" becaue I will always know that even though he's not saying anything, he's thinking about getting married and that's the direction he's going to steer our relationship. I cannot live with that!! So he's all ready to marry me and sweep me off my feet, etc etc. Very noble, but that's not where I am in my life. I stilll want to fly kites, go to scary movies, goof off, blow bubbles, and such things. At the same time, I want to be able to sit down and have an intelligent and/or deep conversation.

I am quite the odd person. I am certain you will never meet anyone like me ever again. So, the person who understands me really is a rare thing. A lot of my friends who "get me" have worked for years at it, and still aren't all the way there. Well, Matt is very accepting of me, but I don't think he understands me. Big difference. Being able to say "Ok, cool, whatever" is good, but being able to honestly say "Yeah, I understand" is worth everything in the world. I really don't want someone who is like "what a freaky chick... i totally don't get her, but she's cool." I need to be understood, because (as you can probably tell by reading this) I do not always express myself all that well, but none the less I have thoughts and feelings that I need to be able to share. And "ok... cool... whatever" just ain't gonna cut it.

Another thing. His parents are SUPER freaky strict. As in, a few weeks ago was the first time in his life he had any say in how his hair was cut. Yeah. Then theres me. I'm pretty liberal (very liberal in comparison). I've had blue and purple hair, five earings, hang out down town, listen to secular music (**gasp!** heathen!)... the list goes on and on. I'm everything that his parents have raised him not to be. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just his form of rebellion. Hey! I ain't your revolution! I'll always be there to stand up with you, but I'm not going to be your rebellion. So, I'm really not cool with that.

On another note, I really do love the boy. But... I'm not quite sure how. Confused? Let me clarify. I love to love people. Oh goodness, yes. There's my chick friends, whom I love. Then there's my guy friends, whom I love in a different way than my girl friends. Then there's that "love" as in more than a friend, which is a different way than I love my guy friends. Ok. So, how do I love Matt? Is it a "more" love or "guy-friend" love? I don't know. I just really don't know.

Is Matthew the kind of guy I'd marry some day? Maybe. I mean, if I were 24 or 25 and he asked me to marry him, I might just say yes. Thing is, I'm not 24 or 25. I'm 17 and don't want to think about it. On the other hand, there are things I see in other people that I just adore ... and I don't see those things in Matt. I know no guy is going to be perfect, but... I'm just not sure. Such things are important to me, and it does bother me that he does not possess those traits.

Lastly, this really bothers me. Remember when I said the thing about getting his hair cut and that being the first time ever he got to make that decision? Well, his parents make ALL his decisions for him. He doesn't have to/get to decide anything for himself. So, when he's 18 and out of the house, will he be able to make choices for himself? I suppose I'm comparing him to myself, which may not be a fair thing. I decide something, then do it. My parents have really trained me to be independent, and so thats super important to me. I'm very strong willed and I guess I need someone who won't always say "yes dear, whatever you want" but has enough backbone to say "shut your face up, you're wrong." I really need to hear that sometimes. I don't think Matt would ever tell me I am wrong about anything. THAT BOTHERS ME! Should it not? I don't know.



On the other hand:
Matt is just amazing. I do so love him. He's been very kind to me. He is the first person I've ever been good enough for, just like I am. He doesn't try to "fix" me or mold me into something different or "better." He is faithful to write and call and email when he says he will, and I really love talking to him/being with him. I don't want to lose his friendship. I'm just not 100% sure I'm ready for us to be more than friends.