Going down fighting

I have always been one to fight the losing fight. "It can't be won." Yeah, you're probably right, but I'm going to try anyhow. Some people revere this quality. Never giving up on what you believe, on your dreams, and on love. I suppose. I don't quit easily. But... some things just need to be left alone to die, as is the case of the point of this blog entry, my faith, or religion... whichever you prefer to call it.

I'm currently reading through the book of Hebrews. It's one of the ones I've never read all the way through. Why am I reading it? Why, if I've practically admited that I don't believe in Christianity, am I studying this book? Because I want to believe, so badly. I want it to be like when I was a kid and I loved to read the Bible and I really felt that I got something from it... I felt like God heard my prayers and was there for me, that because I knew Jesus I was going to heaven. But... I really don't have faith in any of those things any more. But I wish I did. Now, I make a request. Please don't love me any less for trying to hold on.

It is very frustrating to me to look outside on a beautiful day and think "What a beautiful day!" instead of "Wow... God has given me a beautiful day!" It hurts me to know that when I pray, no one is listening. You have no idea how many nights I have cried over this fact. It means that no one is there to help me... to be there for me. You have no idea how angry I get at myself and how much I hate myself when I sit down to read the Bible and instead of, like i used to, writing things like "Wow, that's so cool!" or "God must really love me" find myself making notes like these in the margin...

(all verses are from the NIV)

Hebrews 1:1-2
" In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he has appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. "
according to dictionary.com, an heir is "A person who inherits some or all of the estate of a recently deceased person. The legal successor is usually selected because they are related to the deceased by a direct bloodline or have been designated in a will or by a legal authority." Ok... that said deceased in there right? So... what heir? for someone to be an heir, the person passing whatever it is on to their heir must first be able to die. So, how does God have an heir? Is he going to die? Not very comforting... and plus, later in the chapter it says,
"you [God] remain" - 1:11
"But you [God] remain the smae, and your years will never end" - 1:12
So, do you see my question?

Hebrews 4:1
"Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it."
Ok... if you fall short of something, it means you were working/aiming for something. So... is salvation by works or grace? Will you PLEASE make up your mind!

Hebrews 4:12a
"The word of the Lord is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit..."
What exacly is the difference between soul and spirit? According to dictionary.com:
Soul - "The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity.... The spiritual nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or misery in a future state."
Spirit - "The vital principle or animating force within living beings... The soul, considered as departing from the body of a person at death."
Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really seeing a difference here!

Hebrews 5:1
"Every high priest is selected from among men and is appointed to represent them in matters related to God, to offer gifts and sacrifices for sins."
It says "is" selected, not "was" selected. This is written in present-tense. So... this is the New Testament. Aren't sacrifices for sins unnecessary? And, as Martin Luther said many years later, what about the Priesthood of All Believers?
I Peter 2:9
"But you are a chosen people [Christians, believers], a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."


Oh yes. Then there is this verse. Hit close to home.
Hebrews 5:11
"We have much to say about this [falling away from the Faith], but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn."
Oooh, burn.

Call me insane for still grasping at straws. I don't believe I'll ever find a way to take hold of Christianity again, but I'm still trying, because I wish I could.


Totally kind of off topic, last night in Small Group thing we were talking about Acts 8:14-25. It's the bit about Simon the Sorcerer trying to buy the Holy Spirit from the Disciples and them rebuking him for it because, y'know, you can't buy God. I had a few questions which were answered with "His motives were wrong" and "the apostles were filled with the spirit" but... I had one question/statment that no one could answer, and that Amy did not have a snappy comeback for. I asked why, when Simon had tried to buy the Spirit, the Apostles first reacted with a slap across the face "May your money perish with you! You have no part in this ministry because you are not right before God!" (Acts 8:20-21) Why, if they were in the Spirit (as we had already established) did they not first react with love and pity? Why was hatred and spite thier first thoughts while "in the spirit?" Y'know, people would respond to Christians a lot better if they weren't such hateful bitches.

While on the topic of Acts 8... get this
Acts 8:21-22
"You have no part or share in this ministry, becuase your heart is not right before God. Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forvige you for having such a thought in your heart."
Hold up, hold up, hold up! What exactly do you mean, "perhaps?" Perhaps he'll forgive you? So... with God it's a guessing game whether or not we'll gain his forgivness? **sigh**

yeah... I pretty much give up on this whole game... but, y' know, I'll always keep playing... just because, in all honesty, I'm absolutely terrified that I'll be wrong and go to hell. I wish I were as strong as you. I wish I could just walk away...