one is the lonliest number

If you don't express what you feel, you'll explode. So... here's how I've been feeling as of late (which, yes, has caused the totally bitchy behavior. Am so very sorry for that).

For reasons unknown to me, I've felt extremely alone lately. Not that "I'm bored, I wish I had someone to hang out with" alone, but that "I really don't have anyone in the world" alone. I know this is horribly false... in part. I have a handful of people who actually care about me. I've never been one who needs ten million friends. One or two or three is perfectly fine. But the problem with having only a few close friends is, when they leave you, you're alone. Totally alone. It's not a fun feeling to always be wondering if they're bored with you yet or if you've annoyed them so much that they're just going to drop you. It's happened to me many times. A "best friend" moving on to another better friend. Who needs farrah, anyhow, when you've got (insert name of new friend here). Yeah. So, I am always looking at myself, making sure I havn't screwed up another relationship. I'm most concerned with screwing my my "dating" relationship, currently. I've not had good luck in that area. I've had all of one other boyfriend, and, well... we see how that one ended. I've had a few "intrests" before, but all those fell apart, too. So... honestly... i'm scared. I'm scared to death of losing him. (there's a moment of complete honesty. I don't voice fears often. I hate being afriad. I should be better than that...) He means more to me than anyone. Cliche, I know, but it's true. And... and... yeah. I love you so much.

I might not be so freakishly concerned about other relationships if I had something resembling a relationship at home. Here is the news as of today.
My face is really broken out right now. It's horrible. I'm really self-concious about it. I come downstairs and mother and my grandfathr greet me with "Hahahahaha! look at farrah's face!" ... thank you. That kind of put me in a negative frame of mind. Now, dad is still extremely angry about me dropping German. I did the right thing. He doesn't care. Still angry. So he talks to mum on the phone for an hour this morning. She informs him (get this) that I didn't tell him about dropping the class because I don't feel safe telling him things and that I'm afraid of him and that he and I don't have a real relationship. ... !!!!!!!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!!!! Oh yeah, it's all true, but you just don't tell dad things like that! When he gets home tonight, he'll yell at me, maybe hit me... we'll see. If he does, I'm just going to leave. I don't know where I'll go, where I'll stay... but I'll go.

So I suppose that's it. That's my rant for today. That's all I have to complain about right now. I really shouldn't complain so much. But, this is my blog and no one has any obligation to read it, so... yeah. So I'm going to go walk by the lake and try to purge myself of these stupid emotions.

<3