and she crys

She doesn't know why. She hurts inside. She wants to run away , but she doesn't want to leave the one she loves. She doesn't know what to do. She sees herself hurting him, making his life harder and worse than it should be. She doesn't want that. She wants to make him smile. She loves it when he smiles. She wishes she could make his life better. She doesn't know how. She feels that she's bringing him down. She feels that she's letting him down. She feels that she lets a lot of people down. Maybe she should stop being so selfish. Maybe if she did more for others... cared more... she would be less of a failure as a friend, and as a girlfriend. She wishes that she could always bring him the joy she saw in his eyes down by the lake. The joy with the sticks and the bricks and the fluffy white trees. Instead, she brings a dark sadness to his eyes. It breaks her heart. She wishes she could make things better. Everytime she trys to fix things, she just makes them worse. She is very sorry for that. She thinks that maybe she should have just left him alone... let him go about his life. Would have saved him much sadness and pain. She is selfish. She is glad he's in her life. He means more to her than anyone in the world. She really does love him. She doesn't know how to express it. She doesn't know how to make him understand just how much she loves him. How much she cares about him. She trys. She fails.


She lays on his shoulder. She can hear his heartbeat. She wishes she could stay there forever. She is happy, even as she crys. She loves him so much. She runs her fingers throuh his hair. She kisses him on the cheek. He could not possibly understand how she feels. How right then, she is happy. Actually happy. She feels loved. She feels like she matters. She loves him. She can say it forever, but it will never relay the full meaning of how she feels. Word just... can't.

She wishes that he knew that. She wishes he knew how much he means to her. How a call or email or comment or text lights up her world. How being with him makes everything beautiful. How one kiss makes her melt. How when he holds her, she is truly and fully happy.

She doesn't feel that she can actually say all of this. She doesn't know why. Maybe she's afriad of screwing things up. She's very good at that, you see. Screwing things up. Maybe she's afriad he won't understand. Maybe she's scared that he'll laugh at her. Maybe she's afraid of her own feelings. She's never loved anyone like this before. Maybe she just doesn't understand. But... maybe she likes it. Maybe she would do anything for him. Maybe she cares for him more than she does for herself. Maybe all she wants in the world is for him to be happy. Maybe... maybe she truely does love him. No... no maybe.

She does truely love him.

To the stars.