Purpose?

Do we really have a purpose? It totally depends on who you ask. If you ask some people the answer is "to get people saved" (i do so hate this answer). If you ask others its to "have a relationship with Jesus" (yea... you definitely didn't get that one out of a book of cliches). Some people say its to love everyone (all you need is love... **lights lighter*). Some say to help change lives. (I would teach children to read, end world hunger, accomplish world peace and find new uses for tupperware!) Some, to be better so we don't come back as dust or something or get hit by massive amounts of bad karma (instant karma's gonna get you, gonna knock you right on the head. You better get yourself together, pretty soon you're gonna be dead).

So with all these answers floating around, what REALLY is our purpose in life?

Christmas cheer

Christmas. Day of Joy! Day of Love! Day of happiness and of family! My family came over to our house today at about 1. It is currently 2:00 and someone has already gone home crying and hurt. My god... what the heck? My family is so dysfunctional. By the end of the day everyone will be yelling and crying and cursing one another. This happens every year, on every holiday. Someone please save me

Merry Christmas

Is it even physically possible?

How is it possible that I'm wrong about EVERYTHING around my house?

A desperate need to be more thankful

I look around me and see all the wonderful things in my life, namely my totally amazing friends. I really am blessed/lucky beyond all belief to have such awesome friends... the best in the world, seriously. But, somehow, even with such amazing people in my life, I manage to find things to complain about... things to be confused and troubled about. So I don't like my family... So I'm confused about my boyfriend... So I'm just trying to get through high school! What right does that give me to forget all the wonderful things (er... people) in my life? I am so ungrateful. Please fogive me for being so.

To quote Sir Matthew Klein (xanga), (this is shortened... hence the "..."s)

"Once again, I have been a fool.

I learned a valuable lesson tonight... life isn't about high school, or church, or money, or even success.

Life is about relationships.

Whether it be with the girl or boy you love, or with the friends who stand by your side. Or with the parents who care for you, or the God you look to in times of need.

I can't keep being buried in my own self-pity. I've got to get out there and live instead of pretending.

Thank you. I love you all."

Thank you, Matt. Such good words that I stole from you ^_^ The one in bold is the one that really matters to me more than any other, so this is my formal apology and thanks to those who have put up with me and my stupidity time and time again... who have been shoulders for me to cry on... who have been the source of my smiles/laughter... who are just always there for me. I really do love you, so much... more than you will ever know.

Matthew

That's it! Stop telling me you love me! SHOW me that you love me! Words only go so far.

I just sounded so incredibly shallow...

Broken Heart

this song is by Falling Up. It is a grand song, despite some things. This is really how I feel... this is "dedicated" to my parents...

In this moment synchronized inside
Words that paint the legacy of life
A different picture will unfold
A healing finds it's way through
Fifty times I take another breath,
With an ambience of nothing left
So heal my heart, rain down Your Love, these waters bring me back to life

Chorus:
Father, Healer
Deliver me from broken love
Stay here, closer
Let me hear Your voice of Love

There's a Healing calling from the wind
There's a Healer waiting to begin
In timeless places, traced and faceless will I learn to let go
Take me to the heights where Love controls,
Far away from home but feels so close
This empty heart of mine will fall inside and bring me back to life

Chorus

You can hold
You can mend
You can heal
You can break, I hope there's something etched this way

Chorus

Savior, Redeemer
Bring me to this place of peace
Jesus, garden
My broken heart is so in need

ever have that feeling...?

I hate it. Every time they look at me with those fake smiles and say "I love you, dear" I just want to slap them or kick them or scream "WHAT THE FREAKIN' HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" My family trys so hard to pass off as a "normal" "fine" family that has everything together. So loving. Everyone looks up to them. But in reality, we all hate each other. I tend to be at the bottom, though.
Lisa despises me unless I'm doing something for her (and even then, sometimes she vents her hatred towards me)
Mother sees me as a failure. Says so... frequently. "Why can't you just be smarter/prettier/more athletic/less athletic/more of an artist/less of an artist?!" I really am never good enough for her. Nothing I say/do/write/paint/play/watch/am is ever going to make her proud of me.
Dad. He's always telling me how much he loves me and how proud of me he is, etc etc, but as soon as something doesn't go his way, it's the screaming and swearing and telling of what a failure I am and how disapointed and embarased he is of me, how no one could ever love me, yadda yadda, so on and so forth.

So, yeah. Every time they smile at me and tell me how much they love me, thoughts of "you liars... i can see right through you. Don't you know that?" In church the parents will introduce me to their friends. "Yes, this is our LOVELY daughter, Farrah! She's a senior in highschool, is taking classes at AB Tech, is an artist and wants to go to Appalachian State to double major in photography and journalism! yes yes... we're so proud of her!" HA HA HA! Yeah right! Thats their little speech they've come up with so we look like a functional family. Puh-lease!

I really wish I could put into words how much it kills me to look at them and know exactly what they think of me... and to know that no matter how hard I try, I will simply never be good enough to be loved by them.

Christmas should be interesting. They think they can buy my affection with gifts. Who am I to tell them otherwise? **sigh** So we shall see. We shall do this song and dance until I am gone, and then casually at reunions and such, all the time knowing that behind the smile are curses and within the hugs are bitter hateful hearts.

Sorry to vent. You really aren't obligated to read my blog, you know.

Scheisse!

I didn't want to come home last night. I wanted to be anywhere but home. It's horrible. It's true. If I had had anyone or anywhere to turn to, I would have done so. The thought of wandering the streets of downtown Asheville all night sounded like a good alternative.

Dad went into a rage again today. He feels that when things don't go his way, he has the right to scream and swear and riducle and threaten. Sometimes he "spanks" Lisa, but it's actually hitting her and putting a nice word on it. Sometimes he shoves and throws things at mom. She cries. He has discovered that emotionally I'm quite vulnerable. Though I have a sharp tongue and can come back with slicing remakrs, he's found that if he moves fast enough, he can have me in tears and unable to say anything. He knows that he's killing me (literally). That's why he does it. We all have our weakneses...

So today was just another day of fits. I think he thinks that by screaming and bitching at us, we will respect him more. The fact is, it causes me to lose respect for him... and by the time he's finished telling me what a screw-up, dissapointment, unlovable failure I am, I'm actually not thinking "What a great man. Wow, I respect him." My thoughts are more along the lines of "I hate you with all my being" and "So, if that's who I am, why go on? Why even live?" The answer that I've come to is that my reason to live is this: I have the most amazing friends in the world (I really really do), so they must see something worthwhile in me, eh? I am as of yet to figure out what it is, but their love has kept me going. Without them, I'd truely be lost.

Mom used to always tell me that I would never have a boyfriend unless I changed who I was, because no one would ever want to be with someone like me. She told me that for years. I believed it, but decided that I was not going to change who I was for someone else. Now I am with a great guy, and I changed not a thing about me. Dad says the only reason that Matt (or anyone else) cares about me at all is because they don't "really know" me and that if anyone took the time to get to know me, they would drop me like that **snaps**. Wow, thank you so much for those words of encouragement... screamed at ear-shattering levels and sprinkled with profanity and hate.

Dad used to be an alcoholic. Horrible memories. Days such as this bring them flooding back into my mind. I think that hurts more than the words. Sometimes (frequently) I wonder if dad's been drinking again. I hope not, but it wouldn't suprise me. There has to be some explanation for this.

This is my life. This is my "christian" family. I hate it. I will do just about anything to get out of this house, and I never want to come home. I do so wonder why...

(maybe they're right...)

truth?

So many questions... so few answers.

It's driving me crazy. I really don't know what I believe anymore. Am I a Christian? Yes... simply out of fear at this point in time. Is that how Christianity is meant to be? Is that how this God of Love meant to keep his hold on us? By threatening us with either loving him or burning forever? Somehow that really doesn't make sense to me...