Now that's a first!

Here's the set-up

It's about 0845 or so. I'm sitting in front of the computer working on some paper thing (obvious how much I care, isn't it?). I've got "Believe" by Cher blaring. I'm only on my first cup of coffee. Y'know... I'm all, "**blink** whoa, hang on... what?" I am like that some mornings. Some mornings i'm bouncing around, greeting everyone and who needs coffee? I mean, its good, but I don't need it! WOOHOO! Not this morning. So, yeah. Sitting there, minding my own business when dad walks over. He stands next to me, facing me, and tells me to turn down my music. That's understandable. He HATES Cher. So, I turn it down. He's still standing there. I look up at him with that "what?" look.
"I need to tell you something, Farrah"
"**oh no, what did I do?** Yeah?"
"You matter... a lot."
"**blink**"

That is the first time... ever... that dad has told me that. I don't know what to do with that information. He... he thinks I matter?

I matter?

**bangs head on desk**

Why the hell do people not read anymore?

This is so wrong, I don't even know what to do with it.

disgraceful

get your head out of the sand

It's funny... once you start thinking for yourself and stop letting religion think for you, you'll discover (well... I've discovered...) something quite interesting.

That which used to seem so amazingly wrong and sinful seems fine, or even good. Be it your language or what you do with your time, etc.

And that which seemed good, the things that "good Christians" do, now seems to be very silly and pointless. Dumb, even. Running in circles, jumping through hoops, just to find yourself right where you started.

Why is that? Control issue, maybe? Uh huh.

Just an observation.

Another observation on Christians. This one is a movie quote. I cannot remember which movie it was from, but it doesn't really matter.

"He's a Christian. Y'know, Christians? They don't drink, they don't swear, they don't fuck."

In all honesty, that's pretty much the difference between Christians and non-christians. Take a serious look at it. No joke. So, that being the case, my resolution is not to let a title get in the way of me living my life. Live it up!

But... that's just another observation.

and she crys

She doesn't know why. She hurts inside. She wants to run away , but she doesn't want to leave the one she loves. She doesn't know what to do. She sees herself hurting him, making his life harder and worse than it should be. She doesn't want that. She wants to make him smile. She loves it when he smiles. She wishes she could make his life better. She doesn't know how. She feels that she's bringing him down. She feels that she's letting him down. She feels that she lets a lot of people down. Maybe she should stop being so selfish. Maybe if she did more for others... cared more... she would be less of a failure as a friend, and as a girlfriend. She wishes that she could always bring him the joy she saw in his eyes down by the lake. The joy with the sticks and the bricks and the fluffy white trees. Instead, she brings a dark sadness to his eyes. It breaks her heart. She wishes she could make things better. Everytime she trys to fix things, she just makes them worse. She is very sorry for that. She thinks that maybe she should have just left him alone... let him go about his life. Would have saved him much sadness and pain. She is selfish. She is glad he's in her life. He means more to her than anyone in the world. She really does love him. She doesn't know how to express it. She doesn't know how to make him understand just how much she loves him. How much she cares about him. She trys. She fails.


She lays on his shoulder. She can hear his heartbeat. She wishes she could stay there forever. She is happy, even as she crys. She loves him so much. She runs her fingers throuh his hair. She kisses him on the cheek. He could not possibly understand how she feels. How right then, she is happy. Actually happy. She feels loved. She feels like she matters. She loves him. She can say it forever, but it will never relay the full meaning of how she feels. Word just... can't.

She wishes that he knew that. She wishes he knew how much he means to her. How a call or email or comment or text lights up her world. How being with him makes everything beautiful. How one kiss makes her melt. How when he holds her, she is truly and fully happy.

She doesn't feel that she can actually say all of this. She doesn't know why. Maybe she's afriad of screwing things up. She's very good at that, you see. Screwing things up. Maybe she's afriad he won't understand. Maybe she's scared that he'll laugh at her. Maybe she's afraid of her own feelings. She's never loved anyone like this before. Maybe she just doesn't understand. But... maybe she likes it. Maybe she would do anything for him. Maybe she cares for him more than she does for herself. Maybe all she wants in the world is for him to be happy. Maybe... maybe she truely does love him. No... no maybe.

She does truely love him.

To the stars.

I wish that I could say that I am sorry.

I'm really not. I wouldn't change a thing. You said that I should pick what to do... and I did and I loved it (while on the subject, this is why I am hesitant to pick what to do/where to go. When I do, it ends like this.). I am, however, very very sorry that you didn't approve, or whatever it is that you're dealing with. I'm sorry if I/we went to far for your comfort level, or if i made you feel uncomfortalbe in any respect. I'm sorry if you felt violated or any such. I'm sorry if I made you regret anything.

I, however, approve. I did not violate my personal standars at all. Never once did I feel uncomfortable. I never once felt violated. I do not regret a moment.

I know that you say that you're afriad that things will change. I know that you're afraid that something will happen and our relationship will never be the same. But, well... I'm not going to change. I cannot speak for you and your heart and emotions, but my feelings for you have not changed in the slightest. I loved you when you didn't hold my hand, and I love you now. I loved you back when you hardly looked me in the eye, and I love you now. My love for you is not based on physical contact. My love for you is not conditional like that.

I take that back. My feelings for you have changed. Every day, I love you more than I loved you the day before.

I know you're afraid we're going to cross that magic line and do something we both regret and then cannot put the pieces back together. I cannot imagine what that would be, for one thing. Something that I/we would regret to that extent. Or regret at all, really. As for the magic line... where is it? As I've said before, you never know where your boundries are until you find them. I'm not saying that it's right to push and question everything, but I am saying that it's alright, good even, to find your limits. If you never find them, you never know where to stop. This leads to one of two mistakes.
One, you keep your back against the wall in fear of crossing the line and never experience anything, or two, you throw yourself at the void and end up crossing the line and making a mistake. But, some mistakes are worth making. Some chances are worth taking. Some things are worth trying for. You may screw up, yeah, but at least you learned something from it. At least you experienced it. At least you tried. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather be the person who jumped and fell than the one who stood back and never even tried.

Please understand, I'm not saying that you have done anything wrong. I'm not saying that you don't try, or any such. I just... don't understand. I only understand where I am and how I feel. I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way. I never want to do that. I'd rather die. I hope you understand that. This post is simply me trying to get my feelings out, becuase otherwise, I'll just go crazy. If you never read this, it would be fine, beause it is not for your benefit. But, above all of this, you absolutely MUST know and remember one thing...







I love you.




I love you so much. I love you to the stars. And that's not changing.

one is the lonliest number

If you don't express what you feel, you'll explode. So... here's how I've been feeling as of late (which, yes, has caused the totally bitchy behavior. Am so very sorry for that).

For reasons unknown to me, I've felt extremely alone lately. Not that "I'm bored, I wish I had someone to hang out with" alone, but that "I really don't have anyone in the world" alone. I know this is horribly false... in part. I have a handful of people who actually care about me. I've never been one who needs ten million friends. One or two or three is perfectly fine. But the problem with having only a few close friends is, when they leave you, you're alone. Totally alone. It's not a fun feeling to always be wondering if they're bored with you yet or if you've annoyed them so much that they're just going to drop you. It's happened to me many times. A "best friend" moving on to another better friend. Who needs farrah, anyhow, when you've got (insert name of new friend here). Yeah. So, I am always looking at myself, making sure I havn't screwed up another relationship. I'm most concerned with screwing my my "dating" relationship, currently. I've not had good luck in that area. I've had all of one other boyfriend, and, well... we see how that one ended. I've had a few "intrests" before, but all those fell apart, too. So... honestly... i'm scared. I'm scared to death of losing him. (there's a moment of complete honesty. I don't voice fears often. I hate being afriad. I should be better than that...) He means more to me than anyone. Cliche, I know, but it's true. And... and... yeah. I love you so much.

I might not be so freakishly concerned about other relationships if I had something resembling a relationship at home. Here is the news as of today.
My face is really broken out right now. It's horrible. I'm really self-concious about it. I come downstairs and mother and my grandfathr greet me with "Hahahahaha! look at farrah's face!" ... thank you. That kind of put me in a negative frame of mind. Now, dad is still extremely angry about me dropping German. I did the right thing. He doesn't care. Still angry. So he talks to mum on the phone for an hour this morning. She informs him (get this) that I didn't tell him about dropping the class because I don't feel safe telling him things and that I'm afraid of him and that he and I don't have a real relationship. ... !!!!!!!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!!!! Oh yeah, it's all true, but you just don't tell dad things like that! When he gets home tonight, he'll yell at me, maybe hit me... we'll see. If he does, I'm just going to leave. I don't know where I'll go, where I'll stay... but I'll go.

So I suppose that's it. That's my rant for today. That's all I have to complain about right now. I really shouldn't complain so much. But, this is my blog and no one has any obligation to read it, so... yeah. So I'm going to go walk by the lake and try to purge myself of these stupid emotions.

<3

let's talk about morality

according to dictionary.com, morality is,
"The quality of being in accord with standards of right or good conduct, a system of ideas of right and wrong conduct: religious morality; Christian morality, virtuous conduct, a rule or lesson in moral conduct."

ok... so... to be moral, you have to be in line with "standards of right or good conduct." What standard are we reffering to? Doesn't everyone have their own definition of "right?" Ok... so right now we're looking at the entire world of different morals. So... let's narrow it down. Lets take dress, namely for girls (because, for the most part, people don't have issues with the way guys dress. FOR THE MOST PART. I am aware that there are exceptions to that, but... just hust). This is one that hits home for me. Does everyone have the same standard of what is proper dress? Haha, hardly. Look at Indonesia. Muslim country. Chador's are the "moral" thing for women to wear. Anything less and wow... what a sin! Now, please look at America. Do you see anyone wearing chadors? Yeah... I didn't think so. Do we consider it immoral not to? Not at all. This could be blamed on religious differences. So... let's narrow down again. Lets just look at Christianity, since it's the religion i'm most qualified to speak about. Do all Christians dress the same? HA HA HA! Ok... I go to two different churches. The way people dress at church A is much more "modest" lets say. At church B, there is no dress code at all... mini skirts are worn, middrifts are shown, it really doesn't matter. No one thinks anything of it. Take someone from church A and put them in church B and they would have a heart attack! These people are so immoral!!! How could they dress like that?!?!?!?! and at CHURCH of all places!!! Yeah. So, religion in general obviously isn't the defining factor of morality. So, lets zoom in a little more. Pick one churh. Let's do church A. If you look at everyone in the church, you'll see some people who think completely covering yourself and dressing in a "traditional" manner (don't get me started on what "traditional" is...) is modesty wich, of course, equals morality. Then there are the people who feel more free in their dress, but still aren't wearing the mini skrits and middrifts, who feel that they also are being moral. So... who's right? The traditional folks think the more liberal dressers are horribly immoral! What on earth are they thinking, dressing like that? Shameful! So... you can't even define morality within one church. Surely within a group of friends you could define morality, right? Um... well... I shall use examples from my own life. There are the people who would never ever ever be caught in a skirt shorter than their knees! Or a shirt that's a bit low. Horror of horrors! Must be modest, you know. Then there are the people who think that a little skin here and there isn't immodest at all. So... who's right? Ok, ok... so, down at the smallest level, you MUST be able to find a definition of morality within a FAMILY, right? There's the mother who thinks the skirts should be below the knees, and the shirt should cover your waist... but if a bit of skin shows when you bend... eh... just try not to let it happen. The dad who thinks the shorter skirt is cute, but no middrift! The sister who thinks that shirt is way to short... you might be able to see middrift... but heck, it can be as tight as you want!

So, to conclude, stop trying to shove your morality down other peoples throats.

Going down fighting

I have always been one to fight the losing fight. "It can't be won." Yeah, you're probably right, but I'm going to try anyhow. Some people revere this quality. Never giving up on what you believe, on your dreams, and on love. I suppose. I don't quit easily. But... some things just need to be left alone to die, as is the case of the point of this blog entry, my faith, or religion... whichever you prefer to call it.

I'm currently reading through the book of Hebrews. It's one of the ones I've never read all the way through. Why am I reading it? Why, if I've practically admited that I don't believe in Christianity, am I studying this book? Because I want to believe, so badly. I want it to be like when I was a kid and I loved to read the Bible and I really felt that I got something from it... I felt like God heard my prayers and was there for me, that because I knew Jesus I was going to heaven. But... I really don't have faith in any of those things any more. But I wish I did. Now, I make a request. Please don't love me any less for trying to hold on.

It is very frustrating to me to look outside on a beautiful day and think "What a beautiful day!" instead of "Wow... God has given me a beautiful day!" It hurts me to know that when I pray, no one is listening. You have no idea how many nights I have cried over this fact. It means that no one is there to help me... to be there for me. You have no idea how angry I get at myself and how much I hate myself when I sit down to read the Bible and instead of, like i used to, writing things like "Wow, that's so cool!" or "God must really love me" find myself making notes like these in the margin...

(all verses are from the NIV)

Hebrews 1:1-2
" In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he has appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. "
according to dictionary.com, an heir is "A person who inherits some or all of the estate of a recently deceased person. The legal successor is usually selected because they are related to the deceased by a direct bloodline or have been designated in a will or by a legal authority." Ok... that said deceased in there right? So... what heir? for someone to be an heir, the person passing whatever it is on to their heir must first be able to die. So, how does God have an heir? Is he going to die? Not very comforting... and plus, later in the chapter it says,
"you [God] remain" - 1:11
"But you [God] remain the smae, and your years will never end" - 1:12
So, do you see my question?

Hebrews 4:1
"Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it."
Ok... if you fall short of something, it means you were working/aiming for something. So... is salvation by works or grace? Will you PLEASE make up your mind!

Hebrews 4:12a
"The word of the Lord is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit..."
What exacly is the difference between soul and spirit? According to dictionary.com:
Soul - "The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity.... The spiritual nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or misery in a future state."
Spirit - "The vital principle or animating force within living beings... The soul, considered as departing from the body of a person at death."
Maybe it's just me, but I'm not really seeing a difference here!

Hebrews 5:1
"Every high priest is selected from among men and is appointed to represent them in matters related to God, to offer gifts and sacrifices for sins."
It says "is" selected, not "was" selected. This is written in present-tense. So... this is the New Testament. Aren't sacrifices for sins unnecessary? And, as Martin Luther said many years later, what about the Priesthood of All Believers?
I Peter 2:9
"But you are a chosen people [Christians, believers], a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."


Oh yes. Then there is this verse. Hit close to home.
Hebrews 5:11
"We have much to say about this [falling away from the Faith], but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn."
Oooh, burn.

Call me insane for still grasping at straws. I don't believe I'll ever find a way to take hold of Christianity again, but I'm still trying, because I wish I could.


Totally kind of off topic, last night in Small Group thing we were talking about Acts 8:14-25. It's the bit about Simon the Sorcerer trying to buy the Holy Spirit from the Disciples and them rebuking him for it because, y'know, you can't buy God. I had a few questions which were answered with "His motives were wrong" and "the apostles were filled with the spirit" but... I had one question/statment that no one could answer, and that Amy did not have a snappy comeback for. I asked why, when Simon had tried to buy the Spirit, the Apostles first reacted with a slap across the face "May your money perish with you! You have no part in this ministry because you are not right before God!" (Acts 8:20-21) Why, if they were in the Spirit (as we had already established) did they not first react with love and pity? Why was hatred and spite thier first thoughts while "in the spirit?" Y'know, people would respond to Christians a lot better if they weren't such hateful bitches.

While on the topic of Acts 8... get this
Acts 8:21-22
"You have no part or share in this ministry, becuase your heart is not right before God. Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forvige you for having such a thought in your heart."
Hold up, hold up, hold up! What exactly do you mean, "perhaps?" Perhaps he'll forgive you? So... with God it's a guessing game whether or not we'll gain his forgivness? **sigh**

yeah... I pretty much give up on this whole game... but, y' know, I'll always keep playing... just because, in all honesty, I'm absolutely terrified that I'll be wrong and go to hell. I wish I were as strong as you. I wish I could just walk away...

explain to me

the feeling inside.

Explain to me how his arms around me, his fingers touching mine, my head on his shoulder, his fingers on my face, his lips touching mine can make me feel so alive! Can make me feel like I can fly. Can take all my words away.

Explain to me how looking into his eyes can make me feel like I'm the only person in the world.

Explain to me how just hearing his voice, I can feel his arms around me.

Explain to me why my heart skips a beat at the mere mention of his name.

Explain to me why I'm not afraid to share my heart with him.

Explain to me how someone like me got so lucky as to be loved by someone like him.

<3