much ado about nothing

What are you supposed to do with feelings? Especially the really strong ones? The really strong ones tht if you express to the wrong person, it'll break their heart?

When something hurts you, to the point of crying, are you not supposed to talk about it? Or maybe you're just supposed to talk to certain people about it and not others? Maybe you're stupid for feeling that way to start with.

**sigh** so complicated. I don't know.

An informal apology

My dear, I'm really sorry...

I love you more than anything...

And... I really don't know what else to say.

I'm really, truely sorry

"Tell God exactly what you think of him!"

They expected us to think of/say things like "I love you!" "You're the greatest!" "You're my savior." "my all-in-all" etc etc

My thoughts on the matter? (yes, this is why I was upset/crying. Yes I'm emotional pansy girl. Deal with it.)

"I'm supposed to tell you exactly what I think of you. Ok, here we go.

I HATE YOU! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! You are nothing you promised to be! You let me down, failed me, so many times! Where were you when I needed you?! WHERE?!

When I was a child, hiding under the table watching my drunken father beat the shit out of my mother, pushing her down the stairs, and I was crying, but trying to be quiet so he wouldn't see me... where were you then? When I laid in bed at night, listening to him scream and yell, the smell of alcohol filling the whole house, mom crying and asking him to stop, and I prayed to you, begging you to make him stop... where were you then? Why didn't you stop it? Why did you let it go on for years? Why did you let me be burned like that? When I begged and pleaded, through blood and tears, where were you? WHERE WERE YOU?!

I WAS JUST A CHILD! A SMALL, HELPLESS CHILD! I NEEDED YOU! I needed you! But where were you? Off listening to someone else? Helping someone who was a better christian? Off giving gifts to other children? Why did you leave me? You PROMISED to always be there for me, but you abandoned me, just like my real parents. You LEFT ME ALONE!!!!

Not worth your time, am I? Your promise never to leave your children not apply to me? You let my father abandon me, then you let my mother leave me, you put me with an alcoholic, then you FUCKING LEAVE ME?!?! What the HELL is up with that?!?! You aren't a loving God! You aren't one bit loving!!!! NOT ONE BIT!

You don't care about me. You've failed me in more ways than I thought possible. You lied to me! YOU lied to me! You are God! You aren't supposed to lie to or abandon your children! Well FUCK YOU! I don't need another father. I don't need another person to reject me. That's all you are to me. Another person who said they cared, said they'd always be there for me, and turned out to be a lying bastard. So, thanks for nothin'"