Sunday, February 26, 2006

sometimes

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I see things and hear things and know things and just want to scream "WHAT! Why?!" and I don't understand. Confession. I can be a control freak. I want to know everything and understand everything. And, when I don't know or understand, I don't know what to do. Cry? It does no good. Tell someone? Why? It's my problem. Others have thier own issues to deal with anyhow. Just... let it be? That might be the best thing in the world. **sigh** I don't know.

But, I'm a happy, lucky girl. I really have no right to complain about anything in the world.

<3

Thursday, February 23, 2006

no matter how hard i try...

ok, so here is another blog that is strictly me complaining.

I am so tried of these stupid learning disabilities! They are wrecking my life! No matter how hard I try, in some classes I'm just going to fail. It's a given. Do you know how hard I worked at German last semester? I put in a couple of hours every day practicing, did all my homework, practiced, showed up at every class unless i was deathly ill, practiced, talked to the teacher after class, practiced, got notes from a friend, practiced, studied said notes, practiced, got help from my dad (who speaks some German), practiced, and finally, practiced. I have NEVER worked so hard in a class. Y'know what my final grade was? C. Yeah, that's right. I gave it everything I had, and nearly failed. You have absolutely no idea how disheartening that is. You have no idea how much that makes me want to just give up. Then there are some classes, such as British Literature last semester, where I did NOTHING at all. I mean, i did the journal and took the tests, but I totally zoned out during class, didn't take notes, etc, and I got an A. WHY?!?! Why does it work that way? Why can't, at least in this aspect, I be like everyone else?

So... i'm really frustrated. And... yeah. It's one of those times I just really really wish I could be good enough. Good enough for someone, just once.

Y'know those points in life when you just feel like someone that no one would really want to have anything to do with? That even those who care about you most must be totally bored with you? That if you make a mistake, just one more mistake, you'll lose their love forever? Y'know that feeling that if you lose their love you'll die inside? Y'know that feeling that you're so afraid of making a mistake that you go through every day thinking "what did I screw up now?" Y'know how every morning when you look in the mirror you just want to scream "WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT'S WRONG? WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT IS SO UNDESIRABLE?! WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT I NEED TO FIX?!" and then cry. Yeah. That's pretty much been my day. And... and... I just want someone to hold me.

<3

Saturday, February 18, 2006

just one

I have given it much thought.

It is absolutely amazing how one person can affect your life so much. One person out of a million who tells you they love you. That one person can change your outlook on people, life and even yourself. One person can make you feel like the most amazing, beautiful, special person in the world. So, to that person, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you so much. You mean the world to me.

I love you.

Monday, February 13, 2006

acid rain

Time to pour out my soul. A moment of complete honesty.

The last two days and the beginning of today have been... shall we say, rough?

Saturday started the weekend off with a bang. The parentals started yelling and screaming and swearing and throwing things at each other at the dinner table. Who even remembers what over? If dad gets upset even in the slightest he explodes! It scares me. No, it really does. He is horribly hateful (or maybe just honest?), loud (No one can yell/scream like him. Brings me to tears like **snaps** that), and violent. Throws things, knocks things over, and forces Li and I to sit and listen to it all. If we try to leave, he directs his rage at us. After a few hours, I almost had to call the police... sevreral times. So, at any rate, I did finally sneak out. **patter patter patter** up the stairs to my room. Am absolutely in tears. Times like that bring me to the point I'm almost ready to "end it all." So, I was sitting on my bed, shaking, crying and considering leaving. Just... getting in the car and leaving. The problem with this logic is that when I return (which I would have to at some point or another) I would be hit very hard. Repeatedly. Not worth it, I don't think. Wanted to call someone. No one to call. Wanted to be held. There is no one in the world. Things eventually "calmed down" over the course of the evening. I escaped to the internet, that amazing world completely away from reality.

There was no going to church on Sunday due to snow. Curses. No escape. It was an... awkward day to say the least. Dad and mom were like 2 positive (or negative) ends of a magnent. Every time one of them would say or suggest something, the other would snap/blow up at them. They would discuss... try to convince... raise their voices... scream... at one another. Li and I pretty much just... stayed out of the way. If they don't see you , they probably can't yell at you, right? Worked for the most part, but had to listen to them yell at each other allllllll day. You can quite literally hear them from our neighbors house. God, people can be so hateful and cruel and cut one another down when they are angry. So yeah. That lasted all day. Again, many tears.

This morning I thought things would be OK. Here's wishin'. Dad tried to make the 3 of us (mum, Li and I) have a devotion. We were going to. Mom had the book open and everything, but dad was cleaning up the den, and so she offered for us to help so he could get on to work. Makes sense, no? Absoltuely not! He starts screming at all of us, mom calls him controlling, he calls her hateful, she calls him out-of-the-family-loop, he calls her fat, etc. Such mature people. Of course, Lisa and I did not manage to escape. We quietly try to help clean up. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! SIT DOWN AND READ GOD'S WORD! RIGHT NOW!" **tears well up in eyes** **choke them back** If you've ever wondered why I resent devotions, maybe now you understand. So anyhow, I read a devotional thing to Lisa. Good book, actually. One of mine. Totally coffee-oriented. Yeah, it's great. Can't go wrong with coffee.


The thing is, well, first of all, when my parents get that angry, it scares me. Not that they are going to leave each other or anything, but that they are going to kill/put in the hospital one of us. But also, some very hateful, hurtful things are said when the family is angy. Things to me. Things that stick. Things that no apology can take away. "You're such a failure" "you're no good" "you're a disapointment" "you're ugly" "you're a waste of time" "you have bad taste in friends" "you can't do ANYTHING right" "you're fat" "you're hateful" "you are a horrible person" "no one would waste their time on someone like you" "anyone who's your "friend" just wants something from you. No one would actually be your friend" "If only they knew the REAL you" "Lousy excuse for a child" "lousy excuse for a christian" "lousy excuse for a person" "faiulre" "stupid" "wicked" And this is why I have such high self-esteem. But the thing is, if all those things are true... i just need to hear it... hear the truth from someone who is not screaming it at me. I can handle the truth, I just cannot handle the hatred.



**thinks** snowflake

Treatise on Toleration

"No great art or studied eloquence is needed to prove that Christians should tolerate one another. I go even further and declare that we must look upon all men as our brothers. But the Turk, my brother? the Chinese, the Jew, the Siamese? Yes, of course; are we not all the children of one father and creatures of the same God?
But these people despise us; they call us idolators! Then I'll tell them they are quite wrong. I think I could at least shock the proud obstinacy of an imam if I said to them something like this:

This little globe, nothing more than a point, rolls in space like so many other globes; we are lost in this immensity. Man, some five feet tall, is surely a very small part of the universe. One of these imperceptible beings says to some of his neighbors in Arabia or Africa: "Listen to me, for the God of all these worlds has enlightened me: there are nine hundred million little ants like us on earth, but only my anthill is beloved of God; He will hold all others in horror through all eternity; only mine will be blessed, the others will be eternally wretched."
At that, they would cut me short and ask what fool made that stupid remark. I would be obligated to reply, "You yourselves." Then I would try to mollify them; but that would not be easy.

I would speak now to the Christians and dare say, for example, to a Dominical Inquisitor, "My brother, you know that every province in Italy has its dialect, and people in Venice and Bergamo speak differently from those in Florence. The Academy della Crusca has standardized the language; its dictionary is an inescapable authority, and Buonmattei's grammar is an absolute and infallible guide; but do you believe that the hand of the Academy and in his absence, Buonmattei, would have been able in all good conscience to cut out the tongues of all those from Venice and Bergamo who persisted in using their own dialect?"

The Inquisitor replies: "There is a great difference; here is a question of your salvation. It's for your won good the Director of the Inquisition orders that you be seized on the testimony of a single person, no matter how infamous or criminal he may be; that you have no lawyer to defend you; that the very name of your accuser be unknown to you; that the Inquisitor promise you grace and then condemn you; that you undergo five different degrees of torture and then be whipped or sent to the galleys, or ceremoniously burned at the stake. . . .

I would take the liberty of replying: "My brother, perhaps you are right: I am convinced that you wish me well, but couldn't I be saved without all this?"
To be sure, these horrible absurdities do not soil the face of the earth everyday, but they are frequent enough, and a whole volume could easliy be written about them much longer than the Gospels which condemn them. Not only is it very cruel to persecute in this breif existence of ours those who differ from us in oppinion, but I am afraid it is being bold indeed to pronounce their eternal damnation. It hardly seems fitting for us atoms of the moment, for that is all we are, to presume to know in advance the decrees of our own Creator. . . .

Oh, sectarians of a merciful God, if you had a cruel heart, if, while adoring Him whose only law consists in the words: "Love God and thy neighbor as thyself (Luke X, 27)," you had overloaded this pure and holy law with sophisms and incomprehensible disqutations; if you had lighted the torch of discord either over a new word or a single letter of the alphabet; if you had made eternal punishment the penalty for the omission of a few words or ceremonies which other nations could not know about, I would say to you, as I wept in compassion for mankind; "Transport yourselves with me to the day when all men will be judged and when God will do unto each man according to his works."

"I see all the dead of all centuries, past and present, appear before His presence. Are you quite sure that our Creator and Father will say to the wise and virtuous Confucius, to Solon the law-giver, to Pythagoras, Zaleucus, Socrates, and Plato, to the divine Antoninus, good Trajan, and Titus, the flowering of mankind, to Epictetus and so many other model men: "Go, you monsters; go and suffer punishment, limitless in time and intensity, eternal as I am eternal. And you, my beloved Jean Chatel, Ravaillac, Damiens, Cartouche, etc., who died according to the prescribed formulas, share forever at my right hand my empire and felicity."

You draw back in horror from these words, and since they escaped me, I have no more to say


I no longer address myself to men, but to thee, God of all beings, all worlds, and all ages. If indeed it is allowable for feeble creatures, lost in immensity and impercptible to the rest of the universe, to dare ask anything of Thee who hast given all things, whose decrees are as immutable as they are eternal, deign to look with compassion upon the failings inherent in our nature, and grant that these failings lead us not into calamity.

Thou didst not give us hearts that we should hate each other or hands that we should cut each other's throats. Grant that we may help each other bear the burden of our painful and brief lives; that the slight difference in the clothing with which we cover our puny bodies, in our inadequate tongues, in all our ridiculous customs, in all our imperfect laws, in all our insensate opinions, in all our stations in life so disproportionate in our eyes but so equal in Thy sight, that all these little variations that differentiate the atoms called man, may not be the signals for hatred and persecution. . . .

May all men remember that they are brothrs; may they hold in horror tyrany that is exercised over souls, just as they hold in execration the brigandage that snatches away by force the fruits of labor and peaceful industry. If the scourage of war is inevitable, let us not hate each other, let us not tear each other apart in the lap of peace; but let us use the brief moment of our existance in blessing a thousand different tongues, from Siam to California, Thy goodness which has bestowed this moment upon us."

- Voltaire

Friday, February 03, 2006

Don't say "I love you" unless you mean it!

Good morning world! It's Friday! Today is going to be such a marvelous beautiful day! I had a super day yesterday that I'm still smiling from and there's only sunshine ahead of me! I love everyone and everything, and... just wow!

"What the fuck is your problem, Farrah? You're such a failure! You're never going to make it in the world!!! You need to get yourself together! You're such an idiot! Can't you do just ONE FUCKING THING RIGHT?! Just one simple thing?! You're going to get out in the world and never be able to hold down a job or a relationship or anything else of consequence! You don't even have relationships, now. Those people aren't your friends! Or they wouldn't be if they knew the REAL you! Damn it, Farrah! Why don't you just try caring about something sometimes! Maybe if you gave things a little effort, for once, you'd do something right! I said you're going to find the fucking paper! Did you look through these notebooks? Twice, eh? WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU JUST APPLY YOURSELF AND LOOK HARD?! What is your problem! You're such a failure! You are a hopeless failure, damnit!... Oh, I'm sorry! I love you!"

Good morning world! It's Friday. Today is going to be absolutely horrible. I had a super day yesterday. All good things must come to an end though, I suppose. Today is that end. I can see nothing but tears ahead of me. I hate myself. Why can't I just be good enoug for someone, just once? Just... once.

Oh how one parent in 20 minutes can totally change a childs way of thinking. She's right, though, you know... in fact, why are you reading this? Why are you wasting your time? I'm just a "fucking failure whose friends would abandon her if they knew the REAL farrah..." Yeah... peace <3