open the floodgates

Currently my soul is being attacked with a million emotions at once. It is an overwhelming, contradicting feeling that not even blocks of fudge can drown out.

There is the paralyzing fear that is still gripping my body from my near-MRI experience. The inablity to move, breathing comes only with great effort, heart rate rises until it sounds like a humming birds wings, and the tears flow.

The feeling of foolishness and shame for panicking over something so simple.

The lingering jealousy and hatred that still haunts my daydreams and nightmares.

The feeling of relief at finding out that I am not the only one who struggles with said feelings of jealousy and hatred. **hugs to jessica**

The feeling of being totally and completely alone. Abandoned.

The delight from a marvelous weekend, and the anticipation of another grand weekend to come.

The saddness at the thought of losing the one person I truly love.

The fear that they won't come back.

The bliss of having them now.

The overwhelming desire for more chocolate...

<3

letter 13

Today was marvelous. Spending two and a half hours by the river with you. I love you so much. I wish that I could spend forever with you.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that you're leaving. There's the fact that I'm going to miss you, but also, I'm really, really afraid that you won't come back. You make it very clear that you hate it here, and that you hate the people, and that you can't wait to leave. So, what other conclusion am I supposed to come to?

I have tried very hard to keep these feelings to myself, but tonight I said something (I don't remember what) that revealed how I felt. You promised me that you weren't abandoning me and that you would come back to where ever I am. I want to believe that, but there's this nagging thought of "maybe he won't..." always at the back of my mind. Honestly, love, if you were abandoning me, I wouldn't blame you. Maybe that's what makes it so hard for me to believe. If I were you, I would leave me. I would go find some fabulous, exciting girl to run off to Europe with or some such. I wouldn't stay with someone like me. But... you picked me. Why? And more to the point, why do you stay with me? Why do you even love me?

You say that you aren't running away, but... I mean, I know that you aren't, but it really feels like it at times. I know that's a horrible thing to say. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm really hurting. It really hurts me that you're leaving. Oh, yeah. I knew that going into the relationship, and I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't make it any easier now. But love... You are worth it. You are so, so muchly worth it. I love you.

I love you so incredibly much.

The Perfect Stranger

"Based on the novel, 'Dinner With a Perfect Stranger' by David Gregory, 'THE PERFECT STRANGER' tells the story of Nikki, a troubled attorney who one day receives a mysterious dinner invitation from a man claiming to be Jesus of Nazareth. Throughout their evening of conversation, arguments and spirited debate, Nikki learns things she never knew about life, the universe, and most importantly, herself."

Interesting movie. At one point the girl, Nikki, asked about heaven and hell. It was like a 15 minute bit of the movie, so I won't detail it. It's pretty obvious how the conversation went. Why is there a hell? I thought God was loving. He is. blah blah blah

I walked away from the movie with this question:

"Say there's two people who are in love, but they believe two different things. One believes in heaven/hell and one does not. When they die, if the person that belived in hell etc goes to heaven for their beliefs, but their love goes to hell because they did not believe, how is that heaven? How is it perfect-ness if you are there knowing that the person that you love more than anyone in the world is burning in hell forever?

I've heard it stated that once we're in heaven we won't remember this life, therefore the people we loved won't even be ghosts of our memories. But... if that's so, then why do we even live this life? What's the point? If this answer is correct, than this life is totally pointless.

So, from that, I gather that after we die, we will remember the people who we shared this reality with. So, if we remember them, and we know, as i said in my statment above, that the love of our life is burning as we are walking on streets of gold... how are we supposed to be happy with that? That's perfection? That's eternal happiness? I think not! And... I don't know what to do with my conclusion.

Matt Klein, one of my best friends and heros, once said "I think I would rather burn in hell with the person that I love than be in heaven without them." **sigh** I'm sure it's horrible of me to say, but I think I agree.

The way that I see it is that either way it's going to be hell. If you and your love both go to hell, then, obviously, it's hell. But... if you go to heaven and your love doesn't, it's going to be hell living forever without them.

So, yeah. Questions, questions. Does it simply knock me out of a comfort zone? Um... maybe? I don't know. I'll leave that up to you."

<3

An original

I wish I could make you understand
This is not what I planned
The flame that I fanned
Burned my heart
Ripped me apart
Please, let me start
To try to explain
This horrible pain
That's flooding my veints
Making me cry
Wondering why
Watching the sky
Counting the stars
Forming the scars
Feeling so far
Lost in my fear
Wish you were here
Holding me near
'Cause I'll always love you
Whatever you do
Or what we go through
You live in my soul
Making me whole
Any console?
I'm crazy about you
I truly adore you
I love you, I love you.

<3

Stir it up and pour it out!

Maybe it's something else...

The auction house of religion

I am currently reading a book called "Blue Like Jazz." There is really no way to describe the book. Just... go and read it. You will not be sorry, I promise. Don, the author, was in one chapter (well... in a lot of chapters, but in one in particular) talking about the struggle he had with christianity and why he couldn't really truely believe in it. This is what he said. This is how I feel.

"It also confused me that some people would look at parts of the Bible but not the whole thing. They ignored a lot of obvious questions. It felt as if Christianity, as a religious system, was a product that kept falling apart, and whoever was selling it would hold the broken pieces behind his back trying to divert everybody's attention."

He goes on to say how eventually, by a very strange series of events, he came to believe. But as for me, I can still see the broken pieces the salesmen are holding, trying to pretend don't exist. And, I just can't believe in something like that. I'm sorry.