"wipe out!!!!!!"

For some reason I am expected to be morally perfect. Thus far I've lived up to these expectations exceptionally well. I feel like a trophy my parents show off to their friends.
"Look at this child! We've done such a good job raising her! I know she dresses differently than most kids... but hey! That's individuality! That's good! Yes... we are wonderful parents!"
Maybe I'm tired of it all. Maybe I'm tired of trying to be perfect... maybe I don't have a clue what I'm talking about, yet proceed to talk anyhow...

"We can work it out!"

Communication really is the key to everything. Don't worry about "what will they think" because that's not going to get you anywhere. Just... say it! Things usually turn out much better than you imagine it will.

I have no idea

An attempt to sort out my feelings and thoughts about Matt

It's not that I don't care about him. It's not even that I don't love him. It's not that I don't think he's amazing. It's not the distance. It's not that I've found someone else (I don't think). It is that I am scared and am starting to feel claustrophobic. He's way more serious than I am... maybe he's just much more mature, which is highly possible. But, the thing is, he's already talking about getting married and buying a house or at least renting, and wedding rings and... hold the phone... I'm not ready for that! I'm just... not. He's been raised with the idea of courtship so engraved into his head that I think its not healty. I mean, he's almost 17 and is already thinking "Considering this girl is my girlfriend, we are courting. The point of courtship is to get married. So... lets go!" Whoa whoa whoa! Not uh! I'm not courting anyone! I'm 17 and plan to date for a while before I get all "I do" on anyone.

So I have been advised to "just tell him how you feel and to back off a bit." Good thought, but no. I don't want him to just stop talking about it or "back off" becaue I will always know that even though he's not saying anything, he's thinking about getting married and that's the direction he's going to steer our relationship. I cannot live with that!! So he's all ready to marry me and sweep me off my feet, etc etc. Very noble, but that's not where I am in my life. I stilll want to fly kites, go to scary movies, goof off, blow bubbles, and such things. At the same time, I want to be able to sit down and have an intelligent and/or deep conversation.

I am quite the odd person. I am certain you will never meet anyone like me ever again. So, the person who understands me really is a rare thing. A lot of my friends who "get me" have worked for years at it, and still aren't all the way there. Well, Matt is very accepting of me, but I don't think he understands me. Big difference. Being able to say "Ok, cool, whatever" is good, but being able to honestly say "Yeah, I understand" is worth everything in the world. I really don't want someone who is like "what a freaky chick... i totally don't get her, but she's cool." I need to be understood, because (as you can probably tell by reading this) I do not always express myself all that well, but none the less I have thoughts and feelings that I need to be able to share. And "ok... cool... whatever" just ain't gonna cut it.

Another thing. His parents are SUPER freaky strict. As in, a few weeks ago was the first time in his life he had any say in how his hair was cut. Yeah. Then theres me. I'm pretty liberal (very liberal in comparison). I've had blue and purple hair, five earings, hang out down town, listen to secular music (**gasp!** heathen!)... the list goes on and on. I'm everything that his parents have raised him not to be. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just his form of rebellion. Hey! I ain't your revolution! I'll always be there to stand up with you, but I'm not going to be your rebellion. So, I'm really not cool with that.

On another note, I really do love the boy. But... I'm not quite sure how. Confused? Let me clarify. I love to love people. Oh goodness, yes. There's my chick friends, whom I love. Then there's my guy friends, whom I love in a different way than my girl friends. Then there's that "love" as in more than a friend, which is a different way than I love my guy friends. Ok. So, how do I love Matt? Is it a "more" love or "guy-friend" love? I don't know. I just really don't know.

Is Matthew the kind of guy I'd marry some day? Maybe. I mean, if I were 24 or 25 and he asked me to marry him, I might just say yes. Thing is, I'm not 24 or 25. I'm 17 and don't want to think about it. On the other hand, there are things I see in other people that I just adore ... and I don't see those things in Matt. I know no guy is going to be perfect, but... I'm just not sure. Such things are important to me, and it does bother me that he does not possess those traits.

Lastly, this really bothers me. Remember when I said the thing about getting his hair cut and that being the first time ever he got to make that decision? Well, his parents make ALL his decisions for him. He doesn't have to/get to decide anything for himself. So, when he's 18 and out of the house, will he be able to make choices for himself? I suppose I'm comparing him to myself, which may not be a fair thing. I decide something, then do it. My parents have really trained me to be independent, and so thats super important to me. I'm very strong willed and I guess I need someone who won't always say "yes dear, whatever you want" but has enough backbone to say "shut your face up, you're wrong." I really need to hear that sometimes. I don't think Matt would ever tell me I am wrong about anything. THAT BOTHERS ME! Should it not? I don't know.



On the other hand:
Matt is just amazing. I do so love him. He's been very kind to me. He is the first person I've ever been good enough for, just like I am. He doesn't try to "fix" me or mold me into something different or "better." He is faithful to write and call and email when he says he will, and I really love talking to him/being with him. I don't want to lose his friendship. I'm just not 100% sure I'm ready for us to be more than friends.

Confused and in tears

I am so lost. I think that I don't believe in God... or am not a Christian at any rate. I mean, how can I be? I have so many questions left unanswered... so many flaws left open and unacknowledged. I have based everything I believe in on a religion founded on emotion and peer-pressure... and fear of course. Fear, of course, of going to Hell if you don't believe. There were really four things that pushed me over... or pulled me back... which ever way you choose to look at it.

1. The whole "Why did God let Lucifer into the Garden" question (see last post). The simple fact that God "wants a relationship with us" so badly that he "died to repair the relationship" but allowed it to be shattered blows my mind.

2. They say God is a loving God, right? Then why does he let bad things happen? Some say so that people will come to him. Ok. Why does he let bad things happen to his children?

3. I do not want to be like the other Christians I see around me. They are hypocrites and bigots. They are so convinced that they have it figured out and there is no gray area. That everything is 100% correct and if you disagree in the slightest you're a heathen who will BURN IN HELL! **MUAHAHAHAHA!** Lets "save" them!

4. God lied. When he said "Seek me and you will find me. Ask and it will be given to you" however it goes. HAH! I have seeked him with all my heart only to find myself flat on my face in the dirt (which does not feel good when it gets in your eyes under your contacts). I have asked and prayed and cried for him to reveal himself to me... and I hear... nothing. "Well, you just havn't listened!" Heck yes I have! I don't know what else to do!

So... if that is what Christianity is, I really don't want to have anything to do with it. But the problem is, now I'm lost and confused and sitting in said dirt crying for somewhere to go or someone to turn to. Kind of one of those times when everything seems to be falling apart at once. See, if I let anyone know how I feel, I shall have no friends left, and my parents would bombard me with scripture verses and counselours, etc. If I let Matt (boyfriend) know, he'd drop me like used socks. So, living a lie sounds a lot better than living alone. I guess. I don't know. Ahhhh! I wish I had someone to talk to who understands what I'm saying... understands what I'm going through.

Paradise Lost

Reading excerpts from this book in British Lit class. Very interesting questions have arisen. My teacher is one who encourages us to think for ourselves and voice our thoughts and oppinions. Today we began discussing the philosophy of Paradise Lost. Fascinating!

We brought up the whole story of Lucifer becoming envious of God and therefore being cast into Hell. Mr mcginnis pointed out that apparantly angels have free will. From there he asked if lucifer has the free will to repent, and if God would take him back if he did so. It's a good question. It's never stated one way or another in the bible. From here, I asked who created envy. That may sound like an extremely basic question, but if you think about it, the only conclusion is "God created envy." Ben, being the smart-face that he is said that "God did not create envy. In fact, envy is like darkness... it is not anything, just a lack of something else." ... oooook... so God screwed up and created an absence of gratitude? A black-hole of thankfulness?

So then someone said that Satan (that is Lucifer) created hatred or something like that. I asked what I thought was the intelligent question of "hang on, Lucifer created hate? Does he actually have the power to create something like that, or would that be Gods job?" Oh yes, all those smart-faced kids had the answer. "But before his fall, it was Lucifers job to create music for God! So therefore he had the power to create!" Um... I do believe that God created music and gave Lucifer the power to play with it.

So, back to the first point, God condemning Lucifer to Hell because of envying God. How does that jive with the Loving God that is spoken about all through the NT? Also, is envying God all it takes to make him so mad he will send you to hell for eternity? Seems a bit petty to me...

Lastly, this was a question that I did not have time to bring up in class (I will probably do so on Monday). God created the earth and "it was good." So, God's perfect world was free of sin except of corse the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The tree was placed in the garden so Adam and Eve would still have free will. They could choose God or choose the fruit. So, If God had condemned Lucifer to hell, how did he get into Gods perfect garden? Obviously, either God let him in or he snuck in behind Gods back. So, assuming that God knows everything, we can exclude the second option. So, God let him in. Why? Why let Lucifer into the Garden before the Fall? Why not wait to let him enter the world until after Adam and Eve had decided to eat the fruit? The logic of lettin him in so that we would have free will has already been refuted simply by the presence of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The only difference Lucifer made was either causing the fall (not a desired thing) or speeding up the end of the relationship between God and Man (also not desired). So, if God longed so much for us to be companions, why smash the connection between man and God?

So many questions, so few literature classes...

Maturity

Is there actually any way to measure maturity? When you say that someone is "immature" what are you measuring them against? Yourself? The others around you? Younger people? The people whom they spend their time with? Who or what is the actual standard of maturity for an age? But, doesn't the same question apply to whoever you're comparing them to? I mean, is your standard actually living up to THE standard?

I suppose the real questions are What can you really expect from people? What is acceptable?

Israfel

In Heaven a spirit doth dwell
"Whose heart-strings are a lute";
None sing so widly well
As the angel Israel,
And the giddy stars (so legends tell)
Ceasing their humns, attend the spell
Of his voice, all mute.

Tottering above
In her highest noon
The enamored moon
Blushes with love,
While, to listen, the red levin
(With the rapid Pleiads, even,
Which were seven)
Pause in Heaven.

And they say (the starry choir
And the other listening things)
That Israfeli's fire
Is owing to that lyre
By which he sits and sings -
The trembling living wire
Of those unusual strings.

But the skies that angel trod,
Where deep thoughts are a duty -
Where Love's a grown-up God -
Where the Houri glances are
Imbued with all the beauty
Which we worship in a star.

Therefore, thou art not wrong,
Israfeli, who despisest
An unimpassioned song;
To thee the laurels belong,
Best bard, because the wisest!
Merrily live, and long!

The ecstasies above
With thy burning measures suit -
Thy grief, thy joy, thy hate, thy love,
With the fervor of thy lute
Well may the stars be mute!

Yes, Heaven is thine; but this
Is a world of sweets and sours;
Our flowers are merely - flowers
And the shadow of thy perfect bliss
Is the sunshine of ours.

If I could dwell
Where Israfel
Hath dwelt, and he where I,
He might not sing so widly well
A mortal melody,
While a bolder note than this might swell
From my lyre within the sky.

- Edgar Allan Poe

Honesty?

The quality or condition of being honest; integrity
Truthfulness; sincerity:

If you look inside yourself and finally come to terms with the fact that you are upset at a friend because they have been taking advantage of you and treating you like dirt, should you tell them so? Ok, so you tell them. That being the case, if the truth hurts them, are you better off than you were before? Or, are you worse off because now your "friend" is upset at you? Should you feel bad because you made them sad or relieved that you finally spoke your mind and got the anger and frustration off your chest? I mean, any relationship is based on honesty, right? And it's never good to let someone take advantage of you, right? But it's also never right to hurt people.

I used to feel really bad for her when all the guys dumped her. Now I'm begining to understand and agree with the guys. It's not like I havn't always been there for her. I've never NOT been there... for 11 years! But now I get shoved in the closet and pulled out only when she needs me. Somehow that doesn't seem like a very good friend to me...

Someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do!